STRANGE MAN: Oh, I just love what you’ve done in here!! Can I believe what you’ve done on such a modest budget?? Of course I can’t!!

Yes, you’ve guessed it. It’s Laurence Lewellyn-Bowen.

LEWELLYN-BOWEN: And I can see the whole ‘Arabian nights’ kind of thing you’ve got going on in here, kind of an ‘early Mexican brothel’ effect with those lovely latticed windows there. Simply sumptuous!

He darts off to inspect the nearest one.

KAIN: Well, I – 

Lewellyn-Bowen pops up behind the throne.

L-B: <interrupting> Oh, my! Is this meant to be a claw? How quaint!!

He spins on one shiny, polished foot and hugs the nearest Pillar.

L-B: And these gorgeous items!! Wherever did you manage to find them, you clever thing? Pillars are much coveted in the DIY world, you know. Customers just love that primal kind of phallic imagery!

KAIN: How dare you! I never – 

He is already behind, however, as Lewellyn-Bowen is galloping ahead with his original interior design ideas.

L-B: <Spotting the Clan symbols on the wall> My goodness, what original stencil designs! Are they Turkish?

KAIN: <Staring at him, possibly wondering what he has let himself in for> Do you come with recommendations?

L-B: Oh, ask ‘Hello’, darling!

He skips off gaily. There is a knock at the chamber door, and one of Kain’s vampire lieutenants comes in. Dumah or somebody.

DUMAH OR SOMEBODY: My lord Kain, there appears to be an intruder in the Sanctuary – 

L-B: <Appears at Dumah’s shoulder without warning> Ooooh! Is this the matching rent-boy uniform? Did you design this one yourself? 

KAIN: <looks embarrassed> In a way – 

L-B: <exclaims> Printed scarves! And black leather! Sexyyyy!! You really are a bit of a dark horse, aren’t you?

KAIN: <uncomfortably> Well, it isn’t really relevant. Dumah, I’ll debrief you later.

Lewellyn-Bowen squeals and claps his hands in delight.

DUMAH: <almost in tears by this time> But my lord, I really think that it might be wise to – 

He is too late, however. The doors behind him burst open to reveal the irate form of –

SOUL REAVER RAZIEL: Show yourself, Kain!

KAIN: I’m over here.

SR RAZIEL: Oh…right. Well. I guessed I might find you here, you – 

L-B: And who’s this? He’s very impressive! How do you find these adorable people, Kain? I just want to take him home with me!!

SR RAZIEL: <much alarmed, backing away and summoning the wraith blade> What trickery is this, Kain?!

L-B: <gasps> Is that a light feature? Stunning! <He examines it with fascination as it is waved under his nose> Is it a halogen bulb?

SR RAZIEL:<trying to keep up> I – I have no time for your – cunning deceptions, Kain! I intend to discover the truth behind all of this!

KAIN: <shrugs> I advertised. He was cheap.

L-B: <blithely> Financially viable, darling! Now, remind me, what was your preferred budget again?

KAIN: 500 pounds. And not a penny over, Lewellyn-Bowen, or your body fluids will be forcibly removed, human scum.

L-B: Fair do’s.

There is a sudden humming sound, and Moebius the Time Streamer appears, apparently mid-rant, next to the throne. They all turn.

MOEBIUS: <passionately> Raziel! It is time for you to embrace your destiny! Our god has ordained it! You cannot dawdle! You must –

ALL:<wearily> - kill Kain – 

MOEBIUS: - and avenge the wrongs that have been done to you! Remember your rage, Raziel! Let it guide your hand!

There is a rather awkward pause. Come on, everyone’s embarrassed by Moebius really.

L-B: What a character! And what a delightful get-up! Is that another novelty New Age light fitting he’s got?

MOEBIUS: <looks blank, for once>

SR RAZIEL: Kain says it’s a ‘Lewellyn-Bowen’, Moebius.

MOEBIUS: What, that tit with the hair?

KAIN AND L-B: <simultaneously> Hey!!

DUMAH: You see, my lord Kain, I wasn’t making it up when I said – 

The poor fellow is interrupted by yet another thunderous banging on the door. They are flung open from the outside; Sarafan Raziel strikes a bold pose in the doorway.

SF RAZ: <bawls> Stand and fight, worthless demon excrement!! You may have slaughtered all of my brethren without even raising a sweat, but I am fully prepared to face you down even with overwhelming odds against me! <swings sword around his head>

KAIN: What the bloody hell are you doing here?

SF RAZ: <shrugs> Comic relief.

KAIN: Like hell you are. It’s crowded enough in here already.

L-B: <extremely excitedly> The more the merrier, my dears! Oh, goodness me, yes!

They all stop and look at him strangely.

Sarafan Raziel takes advantage of their temporary inattention to poke the demonic angel of death in the back.

SR RAZIEL: Hey! Stop that!

SF RAZ: Hah!

SR RAZIEL: <whines> Kain, make him stop!

KAIN: Nonsense. Your relationship with your past selves is your problem, Raziel. Now, Lewellyn-Bowen, about this new patio – 

L-B: <gives a girly squeal> Of course, let us get down to business! Now, my personal opinion is that we should get in some really good old railway sleepers – you just can’t beat them for that weathered, authentic look – and at only 10 pounds a go!

SR RAZIEL: <snickering> Sounds like Vorador on a date.

VORADOR: <disembodied voice> I heard that!

L-B: <continuing in much the same vein> And what about some sort of Greek-style temple to set off the lovely architecture?

MOEBIUS: Oh, come on, you really have no notion of compatible historical periods – 

SF RAZ: Not to mention taste. <makes a face> Yuk.

KAIN: Shut it, you lot. I’m making all the decisions around here! And I want MDF!

L-B: <almost orgasmically> OOOOOH, yes!!

SR RAZIEL: <utterly horrified> MDF?! Dammit, Kain, you are not God!

DUMAH: <thoughtfully> Come to think of it, my lord, some sort of temple-thing in that corner might look quite nice. Balances the room, you know.

RAHAB: What about a jacuzzi?

L-B: And what about the colour scheme? You could go for a sort of desert theme!! Wouldn’t that be thrilling?

MOEBIUS: What, brown?

KAIN: I was thinking more of a chocolatey kind of colour – 

SR RAZIEL: - biscuity – 

DUMAH: Like, y’know, kind of a grotto, maybe – 

HOMER: Mmmm…biscuit….

L-B: <slightly unglued by now> A jacuzzi with melted chocolate in it!!!

JANOS AUDRON: I don’t see why we can’t all agree.

SF RAZ: Sod off, blue boy. Nobody asked you.

SR RAZIEL: <hotly> And what is wrong with blue, pray?

L-B: And I haven’t even started on Feng Shui!!!

MOEBIUS: Isn’t that a kind of sushi?

ELDER GOD: Calamari, I believe.

JANOS AUDRON: <a little slow on the uptake> What do you mean by that, my boy?

SF RAZ: <sneers> You heard me!

RAHAB: <shudders> Please don’t mention sushi in my presence…

KAIN: Exactly how much is this going to cost?

SR RAZIEL: What does it matter? You’re just going to kill him and suck ‘im dry when he’s knocked in the last nail.

KAIN: <growls> Why you little – 

JANOS AUDRON: I hardly think you’re in any position to start some sort of fight, Sarafan – 

SR RAZIEL:<taunting> I vant to suck yer blurd!!

SF RAZ: Flyboy! Flyboy!

SR RAZIEL: Blurd! Blurd!

L-B: GREEK!! All GREEK!!!!

KAIN: <roars, and launches himself at Soul Reaver Raziel> RAARRGGGH!!

Kain lands on SR Raziel, who screeches in surprise and promptly shifts into spectral. An apoplectic Kain follows him. They reappear a moment later on the other side of the room, apparently trying to throttle each other. Sarafan Raziel and Janos Audron, having failed in their attempts to sort out their respective differences in a mature and non-violent way, are doing the same. Lewellyn-Bowen is trying to climb the balance pillar using only his lips, cheered on by Dumah, Rahab, Vorador, Homer, the Elder God, and whomever else the author can think of to throw into the story. Moebius is now taking bets (3 to 1 he reaches the top by tomorrow morning).