"You nearly had me, Raziel, but this is not where or how it ends.  Fate promises more twists before this drama unfolds completely.  Hahahahahaha!"  Kain said as he ran through a starry portal.  Raziel did not hesitate to go after him, despite the Elder's warnings.  A marking of infinity was on a stone platform in the room where Kain had just entered.  A tall figure emerged from the darkness.

 "Raziel, redeemer and destroyer.  Pawn and Messiah.  Welcome time spanned soul…"

 "Cut the crap, Moebius.  Where's Kain?"  Raziel interrupted.

 "Hmph.  For that little outburst, I will not answer your question."  Moebius faded into the backround in the same manner that he emerged.  Raziel realized that he made a poor decision.  Without Moebius, he wouldn't be able to tell through which of the portals Kain went.  There were a number of possibilites.  The room had many windows that led to different times and dimensions.  Raziel didn't know which one to choose, so he picked one at random. 

Thus his newest adventure began...
The quest to defeat one, I mean two, of the greatest evils of all time.

 Raziel stepped out of the portal and started looking around.  He could tell that he wasn't in Nosgoth...he knew he was in someplace far worse off than Nosgoth.  This place was decorated in neon colors and pastel streamers.  Fluffy teddy bears and other stuffed animals lined benches, Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears' music played in the backround, and two blonde twins, extreme goody two shoes, were singing and dancing with the music.

 "I have died and gone to Hell."  Raziel repeated over and over again, "If I had internal organs, I would be throwing up by now."  Raz decided that finding an exit would be a good idea.  (Who could blame him?)  Unfortunately, things were going from bad to worse for Raziel.   Right behind him, he heard a cheerful, teenybopper voice.

 "Look, Mary Kate.  I think we have a friend who's come to play with us."

 "He looks like a nice guy." Ashley smiled at Raziel.

Raziel raised one eyebrow at that. The girl continued, " Welcome to the Magical Mystery Mall; A place where no one is sad, and all of your dreams can come true.   My name's Ashley.  This is my sister, Mary Kate.  We've made countless bad movies in a vain effort to keep our cuteness alive."

 "Yeah, but unfortunately, we were never cute.  But that's not gonna get us down.  We have a video game to produce.   It will put us in a new market.  The one towards teens like us."

 "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name?"

 "That's because I didn't give it to you.."

 "Oh.  OK.  What is your name then?"

 "Raziel, "he started looking around.  He could hear some awful noise in the backround, "What is that awful sound.  Vampires in water?"  The noise forced him to cover his ears.

 "No, silly, it's Britney Spears."  Mary Kate laughed.

 "Oh! Oh! Oh! Mary Kate, this is my favorite song!  Lets dance!" 

 ("She sounds like a monkey" Raziel thought.)

 "Yeah!  Come on Razzy!  Lets dance!"  Mary Kate grabbed Raziel's claw and dragged him to the dance floor.

 "Don't call me Razzy!"

 "Oh, Razzy, you're so silly."    Mary Kate then dragged Raziel next to a speaker that was cranked up to 11 blaring Britney's voice.  We all know the effects that loud obnoxious noises play on vampires, so Raziel was very uncomfortable at that moment. 

 "Make it stop!"  He screamed.  Being the dumb kid that she is, Mary Kate thought that Raziel was saying "Mary Kate up!"  so she turned up the volume even more. 

 "Ahhhhh!  I can't take it any longer!"  Raziel charged toward the speaker and blew it up with the Soul Reaver.  Ashley put her hands on her hips and looked at him in anger, " Hey!  That was a good song!" 

 "Are you kidding?  The Abyss was less painful to experience than that!"  Mary Kate stood by her sister and gave him the same look her sister was giving, "Well, that was an expensive speaker."

 "Hmmm," Raz looked at the price tag on the speaker, "$12.99 at the police auction."

 “That’s a lot considering our allowance.”

 “You tell him, Mary Kate!”

 “Oh well, we’ll just use the money that we’ll get from our next big flop, I mean movie, to pay for a new one.”  The two looked at each other, nodded, and smiled. 

 Raziel just looked at the two in sheer horror.  Everything down to their little smiles horrified him.  Their cute little laugh, innocent smiles, generous nature…it all made him ill.  He would rather dwell in the wastes of Nosgoth than be in the hellhole that he was in.  He realized that he had to end this madness.  For the sake of everything good, right, and true, he must end this unholy duo quickly. 

 “Hiyaaah!” Raziel dashed at Ashley and clawed her face in.  She fell to the floor, throbbing and bleeding, “One down, one left.”  To his dismay, Ashley perked right up.

 “Razzy, silly, you can’t kill us by normal means.  If that were the case, we would have been killed years ago.” Ashley just sat there smiling at him.

 “Don’t you two EVER get angry?”  Raziel shouted.

 “Mmm, I don’t think so.  It’s not in our programming,” Ashley said with a smile.

 “Oh, Ashley,” Mary Kate perked up, “Is it time to use the OverHappy Machine?”

 “Yes it is,” Ashley turned to look at Raziel, ”The OverHappy Machine is the new invention we created.  It’s going to spread our happiness all over the world.  That way nobody will be sad anymore.  Everything will be perfect!  Plus, if we rid the world of its misery, people will see us as goddesses.  We’ll rule the world!  Isn’t that a great idea?”

 “No.  By taking away the will and emotions of the people, you’re making them into puppets.  Besides, I cannot allow this world to become like you two. The world needs sorrow and decay.  It is one of the things that keep this world in balance.  More importantly, who the hell would want to be ruled by two spoiled, teenybopper brats?
 I may be destroyed, a fratricide, and a murderer but, unlike you, I still have some decency and dignity. Hahaha, I hunger for your souls.”  Raziel got into his fighting stance; ready to fight the unholy twins.

 “Razzy, you can’t kill us like that.”  Mary Kate smiled.

 “STOP CALLING ME RAZZY!  I may not be able to kill you this way, but it will still be fun to beat you two!”  Raziel immediately pounced on Mary Kate.  He didn’t even notice Ashley running toward the OverHappy Machine.  As Raziel proceeded to leave giant claw marks all over Mary Kate’s puny little form, hacking and slashing while listening to her cry for help, Ashley activated the machine.  Immediately the world cried out in pain as they were being turned into complete idiots just like the twins.  People who were once dressing in all black and were down in the dumps, now had Nsync  T-Shits on and were humming the Smurf’s Theme Song.  Fortunately for Raziel, he was so unholy that he was unaffected by the deadly rays spewing across the land.  He got off of Mary Kate, kicked her in the stomach, and looked out across…wherever he was. 

 “Hey………..blue dude. Yeah you…..blue dude!  Save…………..us!”  A weak cry that from the next door prison alerted our hero, “ Yeah, you………use these…………to kill them!”  The guy in the prison threw Raziel a Marilyn Manson CD, a 24 pack of cheap beer, and a porno film.  How the guy got all of this while he was in jail, I don’t know.  Lets not question, just be thankful.  Raziel took the beer to Mary Kate.

 “Here, drink this and you’ll feel better.” He told her.  She took a huge gulp of the beer.

 “Eww what is this?” Mary Kate said while tasting at the beer.  She cringed her face in a cute little way that nauseated Raziel even more.

 “Shut up and drink,” Raz ordered.  Mary Kate did as she was told and downed one can after another.  After about 6 or 7 beers, Mary Kate’s cringe turned into a drunken smile.

  Raziel didn’t waste any time and ran to the machine where Ashley was.  He picked her up and dragged her, laughing and giggling, to the mall’s theatre.  There, he duct taped her into her seat and made her watch the porno flick.  I don’t feel it’s necessary to describe the film.  Just use some imagination, people.

 “AAAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!  It’s so impure!  I can’t stand seeing the sight of those things that are impure!  AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”  Ashley squirmed in her seat, trying in vain to get away.  The film was truly awful.  Raziel walked away from the scene.  It even disgusted him, “Why would a woman degrade herself like that?” He thought as he shuddered.

 Now for the final task.  It would take some time for him to gather all of the speakers together, but it would be well worth the effort. 

 Ashley has now clawed her way out of the chair in the theatre.  She is still in terrible shock due to what she has just seen.  She walked around shaking and stammering, “Don’t go into the closet with the clown, Miss Flight Attendant.  You have a boyfriend remember.”  Mary Kate is running around in a drunken stupor calling herself the Wife of Bath from the Canterbury Tales.  Raziel got a good laugh as he watched her pretend that the mop she had was a horse.  Then she threw up on him.  It wasn’t funny anymore.  That just made him even more pissed off. 

 “Mary Kate, I’m frightened.”

 “BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!” Mary Kate threw up on Ashley.

 “Ewwwwww.”

 Now they were weakened enough to be destroyed.  The girls were weakened by the booze and the porn, so they were no match for the music now.  With the sound of a deadly hymn, a sound deadly enough to send the children of the Olsens plucking at their eyes and ripping at their throats…all that remained was to turn on every last speaker.  Raziel turned on every speaker, cranked their volume up to the max, and carefully placed the Marilyn Manson CD in the CD player.  He looked at the girls in their dilapidated states and pressed firmly the PLAY button. 

“I don’t want you and I don’t need you.  Don’t bother to resist, I’ll beat you.  It’s not your fault you’re always wrong…” The gothic tune spread far and wide.  The OverHappy Machine shattered into a million pieces.  The girls started convulsing and tearing at their eyes.  Their screams were high pitched and ear piercing.  Suddenly, their heads started to split.  It was obvious that they were going to blow up soon.

 “You two aren’t going to get away that easily,” Raziel then cast the Slow Time spell.  This made watching them meet their demise all the more enjoyable.  Slowly, but surely, the girls faces started to blow up.  Raziel’s mission was now successful.  He raised his arms to accept the girls’ souls.  They spun around in the air waiting for him to absorb their energy. 

 “Oh no…shouldn’t…have….eaten…them…” Raziel was turning into a teenybopper!  He fought the strong force that the souls were putting on him, but to no avail.  Poor Raziel was temporarily a teenybopper.  “The sun will come out tomorrow, gotta hang on ‘til tomorrow!”  He sang.  Not only was he singing show tunes, he was horribly off key.  Raziel skipped around picking flowers with a walkman strapped on his head playing Backstreet Boys music.  Worse yet, he had pink ribbons in his hair.  Skipping along he decided to have tea with the stuffed animals that sat on the mall benches.

 “One lump or two,” He asked the panda.  After a few minutes of playing tea party with nonliving beings, he finally saw the exit of the mall, “I’m sorry all of my special little friends, I must leave now.”  He skipped along to the exit waving good bye to them.  He put the flowers in a basket he found to take with him.  He felt that Nosgoth needed something bright for its dying world.  Shortly after leaving the mall, the spell wore off.

 “Next time, I will be more careful in choosing which souls I devour.”  Raziel remembered the pink ribbons in his hair and flung them across the room.  He also made sure to put the flowers in a vase (Don’t ask me where he got the vase, either).  Too bad they won’t last long in Nosgoth.  (Well, no sun and all.)

 After finding the mall’s exit, Raziel decided that he would take more time and preparation as to which portal he would enter next.  He didn’t need another nightmare like that to happen.